Dating With Dermatillomania Is Exhausting & Letting My Partner See Me Without Makeup Was Huge

My body dysmorphia began with a preoccupation with my nose. Sometime around age 10, I made a decision it was big too, and I resented it. Come my eyebrows Then. At 14, I plucked them into thin lines. With all that right time spent looking at my face, it only makes sense that my pores and skin preoccupation was next. My incapacitating obsession compelled me to constantly look for reflective surfaces, and each time I looked at my skin, I hated the real way I appeared more.

Living with dermatillomania is difficult enough, but I would soon learn that dating with dermatillomania was nearly impossible. Up until three years ago, I didn’t even understand my disorder had a name. Soon after I changed 22, I was identified as having body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), which causes one to obsess over your supposed defects or imperfections – flaws that, to anyone else, are either minor or nonexistent.

And though my understanding of my body was – and oftentimes still is – completely different from what other people see, my most significant concern was always my skin. I everywhere saw blemishes, and I tried to hide them. However the more I tried to hide, the more trouble I had opened up to anyone, romantically or otherwise.

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Dermatillomania (also called excoriation disorder or skin-picking disorder) fall under the umbrella of BDD, which, subsequently, falls under obsessive-compulsive disorder. Rather, than the behavior you may see exhibited by a person with OCD in press (activities like washing the hands, counting floor tiles, examining the range, etc.), my OCD manifested as body-focused repetitive behavior: repeated face-washing, blemish-counting, fore-checking.

If I saw a pimple, or the start of a pimple, or a hint of a pimple even I attacked. I’d use scrubs and peels and my very own fingernails to force that contamination out of my pores and skin – though of course, my efforts would always leave me organic, mutilated and ashamed deeply. THEREFORE I resorted to makeup, and lots of it. Not Probably. But makeup was my armor, and since it made me feel as though I was hiding my shameful compulsion, I clung to it. After university Soon, I began my first serious romantic relationship. Just like in college, I spent evenings at his apartment than my very own rather.

Having someone in my personal space has always made me uncomfortable, and I like the fact that visiting somebody else’s place always provides me the choice to leave when I want. Initially, my boyfriend didn’t spot the way I would switch off the lights so I will make my way from the bathroom to the bed at night. Usually, I could wake up before he did and reapply my makeup before he saw me.