Quotes From Weekend Update
A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.
At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.
In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman say their split is amicable, and they want everyone to know that after the divorce is final, their two adopted children will be returned to the prop department at Universal Studios.
In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta has purchased a bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor, the dog came six movies too late.
It was announced that Ricky Martin will perform at the Lincoln Memorial as part of President Bush's inauguration. Apparently, Mr. Bush's first step in restoring the dignity of the presidency is having a soap star sing She Bangs at the foot of the Great Emancipator.
On Monday, Attorney General John Ashcroft issued a terrorism warning asking all Americans to be on high alert this week. Then on Friday he announced that the period of high alert will be extended indefinitely. I think I speak for all Americans when I say: Bitch, I can't be any more alert than I already am! Okay, I'm opening my mail with salad tongs, I take my passport into the shower with me. I'm watching so much CNN I'm having sex dreams about Wolf Blitzer. How 'bout this: you be on full alert. I'm gonna freeze my head like Walt Disney, and you can wake me up when everything's cool. Okay?
Former pop singer Tiffany posed as the centerspread model for this month's issue of Playboy magazine. Tiffany, a devout Baptist, sat down with her young daughter and showed her a Cosmopolitan magazine saying "See honey? Mommy isn't nearly as classy as these ladies".
According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don't worry, lonely women, you'll be dead soon.
ABC has declined to air an anti-war political advertisement produced by an online contest winner, stating that they have a policy against showing ads of that nature. Apparently, however, ABC has no problems with ads that deliver the message "Women are sluts for beer."
It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, 'Revolver.' Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.
Hoping to court ex-New Yorkers living in Florida, the Bush campaign is running radio ads there, featuring former New York mayors Rudy Giuliani and Ed Koch. The ads begin, "Hiiii. We're the reason you LEFT."